Leicestershire police have today begun a missing person’s search for deranged doc, Gerry McCann.
Gez hasn’t been seen in public since his ill-fated appearance on BBC Crimewatch months ago.
He got the shock of his life when Met officers released a picture of their main suspect in the hunt for Madeleine McCann and he saw his own image on the big screen.
Kate McCann takes up the story:
” After the Crimewatch fiasco, Gerry stormed home and raced upstairs to his room.
I went to check on him regularly (with several of our medical chums) and he seemed fine.
A little later though, I peeped in and saw the bedroom window had been jemmied open.
I was horrified to find that Gerry was no longer in his bed and raced out into the cul-de-sac shouting “they’ve taken him“, “the bastards“.
I then spent several hours phoning media outlets, government officials and all of our many friends in high-places.
The police were useless and bungled the investigation into Gerry’s disappearance from the get-go.
They’re obviously trying to stitch me up because for some unknown reason their cadaver dogs picked up Gerry’s scent all over my clothes.
My first priority though was to set up a fake charity called the Find Gerry Fund, where naive members of the general public could donate to the search ( and help pay the mortgage).
Unfortunately, only 29p has been donated so far (thanks mum), but it’s early days yet.
I was fortunate to get Clarence Mitchell on board again and he helped design the excellent missing poster we’ve been plastering all over Rothley:
After faking Madeleine’s abduction, we realised just how important clinging onto her ‘favourite’ toy, cuddle cat, was as a marketing ploy and knew we had to choose something similar for Gerry.
After hours of soul-searching we finally settled on a pair of his crusting y-fronts because, much like Gerry, they’re absolutely full of crap.
As ambassador for the shady Missing Persons charity, I’ve been able to take part in sports events to raise money for the search, using VIP pimp Jimmy Savile as a role model.
We’re also selling good quality wristbands online, along with other pointless tat, and have placed donation buckets right across Leicester.
Our next step is to hire a group of fake private investigators to hinder the search, pay top PR reps to keep Gerry’s face on the front pages of every newspaper in the land and sue anyone who dares to criticise us.
Finally, a tell-all bewk is due out next month touchingly entitled ‘gerry’.”
Police officers have urged anyone with information about the whereabouts of Gerry McCann to call Sky News or the Sun as a matter of urgency so they can run a fake ‘sighting’ report.
( Further reading:
This strangely coincidental article was reported in Ireland shortly before the infamous Crimewatch episode: