“Get your hands off my bun”


The Home Secretary is today being urged to reconsider the controversial “Anti-Tubbyism Act 2012, following the latest scandal to hit City Hall.

Sources close to deputy mayor for policing, Stephen Greenhalgh, believe the harsh measures (introduced after an outbreak of the ‘fatness plague’) may be the cause of his alleged behaviour in a mayoral lift


“Since the Fat Lads of Politics Society (FLOPS) was placed on a list of banned organisations, Boris has had the group on a strict diet” claims a source ” Their daily intake has been slashed to 3,000 calories a day and the impact is really taking it’s toll”.

According to psychologists, Greenhalgh may be suffering from a rare, hunger-induced condition known as Edible Metamorphosis Syndrome, which can cause the sufferer to visualise food everywhere. He may have mistakenly thought the junior staff member was in fact a fresh cream doughnut.

This might not be the first episode either, as Greenhalgh has previously made a grab for Kit Malthouse in the staff canteen, thinking he was a Bernard Matthews turkey.

“It was really quite disturbing to watch” said an eyewitness “security had to be called after he lunged at Malthouse’s thighs and kept shouting ‘bootiful, real bootiful!’.

City Hall are refusing to confirm if the incident is linked to this report:


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