We were shocked to discover City Hall has closed due to an outbreak of the deadly “fatness plague” sweeping London.
All staff members have been quarantined amid fears the virulent disease is about to reach pandemic proportions and the World Health Organisation will ban all travel to and from the capital.
The Home Secretary has today drafted in emergency measures under the controversial Anti-Tubbyism Act 2012, which gives police extra powers to combat the plague.
Under Section 27 of the Act, police can stop and search anybody suspected of having a double chin, wearing a girdle, or exhibiting signs of chafing when walking.
Human Rights groups have expressed fears that white, middle -aged fat men in suits, may be disproportionately targeted and have urged the Home Secretary to reconsider the legislation.
Under Section 42 of the act anyone convicted of having links to radical chocolate companies faces life imprisonment.
In a further blow to Boris, his much-vaunted Fat Lads of Politics Society (F.L.O.P.S.) has been placed on a list of banned organisations along with the Teletubbies and the Roly-Poly’s.
Police are urging members of the public to be extra vigilant and report any suspicious actvity especially around vending machines and sweet shops.